The Journey

So the Runes told me to be patient. They also told me change is coming. Go forth without understanding because sometimes there's nothing to understand but the work just needs to get done. Look for and read the signals.

I am in something like a still whirlwind at the moment. Some things in my life I know are so right. I am right where I need to be. Some things are in complete dis-array; at least that is what I feel and see. Yet I trust god won't let me down. I just wonder...sometimes -while everyone around me sees me as being so directed- where am I going? Or I feel like I know where I'm going but don't know if I will ever get there.

I don't do much just for the sake of doing it. So what are just elements or aspects to some people i.e. work, social life, relationships in my world are inconnected and tell a story. They are the sum of me ultimately so I take them seriously. I think about them...a lot. Life is an all encompassing EXPERIENCE. I'm living all up in it.

That being said I am very intuitive. I know when I'm really changing, I feel it emotionally and in my aura like a person feels physical growing pains. Sometimes I just don't see clearly why and where it will take me. Scares me a little. I fight back. I resist sometimes.

but I have changed. I use to try to dictate, control, worry about what was to come. Now I just wanna let go. and believe. and fall. knowing that I can only fall into a better me if I continue to strive for that. That god will take me there. (s)he sees me. (s)he knows me. better than I know myself. I'm still so willful though. If I give that up will I still be me? If I don't will I never get to where I want to be?

I know life is a journey and not a destination, I thought I was being a willing participant. I just keep being told to be patient. I am the late bloomer. I thought I was born patient. I have had to say no when my knees ached and my body wanted to say yes. I have tried to be logical when everyone else seemed to just be living.

I just want it to come together and all make sense before I'm to tired, or burned out, bitter, I can close that door and go back. I know I am not perfect and I have indulged but this is hard for me. I am really trying. It never seems to be enough. People look at me like I'm a strange occurence. What to do?

I do worry I just won't get there...I just dont know if my there and the there(s)he planned is really one in the same and I just can't/don't see it yet.

Whatever the case somethings gotta give. I certainly dont't know how much more I got to pull so I hope the stars and planets align in my favor.

Stuck in this fucking spades game with a handful of heart(s).

but then again if love conquers all...

I love the rich colors of this experience called life. The experiences that make us who we are. The rich tapestry that is experiences that is us. When we stop and reflect on all the variables that make up just one person and to know that there's some 6 billion people all simultaneously....being, experiencing, growing, learnng, movin', shakin'. Pardon my bewilderment..but..psssh I wanna know that. Who is that? Where's s(he)from? What's his/her life been like?

Been connecting so meaningfully lately and it just feels so damn good. I am excited not only to do much more of this during this upcoming break, but to continue to engage with even more folks more intentionally just because. When I do take the time I experience a richer tapestry and it is through others that I am learning more about myself and I am able to experience myself and understand my human-ness and theirs more fully.

October 28, 2011

Well it is what it is. Am I as cursed as the fortune teller told me when she did that hand reading so long ago. Everybody says it, but nobody acts on it. What is that about? Everyone talks, isn't that why it's so cheap?

But back to the fortune teller as I look at the ridged lines known as "your love line" I wonder about what she said. That this path may always look this way because it is written in those lines.

Well fuck my life because I thought all this time it was me or them, but it turns out it's just the lines in my palm. They tell all there is to tell. Go to hell lady.

But that doesn't eliminate the issue. I was well on my way, being that I live at 110...miles per hour that is. I slowed down to 55 to talk to you. Are you getting in? I have to go. Everybody knows how hard I work, how beautiful and smart I am, how much I got it going on, how youthful I look, I gotta go. Gotsta keep up with what you think even though it's waaaaay more complex than that.

What is the deal? EVERY SINGLE TIME it's the same, eventually. I just assume not bother because I have too much to do as it is and I will never arrive in this life so I have much to keep me occupied. Who needs companionship when you can work hard, and have people tell you your worthy and in the same breath too worthy for them. What kind of shitty shit is this? Why should one even care. Well I don't. I am independent and completely self sufficient. Aren't you?

Move around with that bullshit. There's only room for one pussy here.

September 27, 2011

Today's been a long day, but I feel good about it. Working hard in solidarity with those who share my passion. It feels great. I'm not allowing myself to be bombarded or overwhelmed by the ills of the world. I am focused and using my power (my ability to make things happen) to the ump-teenth capacity in the way I can deliver it best: through this youth work and organizing. I'm in touch with the struggle, it's real and I'm in it. This is my tension. I know everytime I challenge a student to think critically about an issue, I'm agitating the system.

Sometimes it's not about working on every issue, knowing about every issue, advocating for every individual issue. Sometimes it's about fighting injustice and agitating right where you're at, with what you got; using your power and whatever your gift is as a conductor for that power to reach and teach others and yourself. Education happens everywhere and power is relational. Believe that. Achieve that.

Yeah mon.
Solidarity.

Ninja Billy "Footsteps"

Grrrrrrrr.

It's really ANNOYING the amount of passwords I have to remember. It's almost redundant. I have to keep creating more difficult passwords which clearly arent working because I keep having to make them more complicated! It's gone from "create a password with at leat 6 letters" to "create a password that includes 8 letters, at least 2 numbers, and a character, and at least one uppercase letter" WTF man.

Seriously....I used to be good at this but it's really really getting to be quite RIDICULOUS.

Biblioburro

I'm convinced that what goes in is what comes out. With that being said, I was watching what I would call high anxiety television. You know the shows that make you question the world as you know it in the most negative way. Well I turned the channel before I had a full on panic attack and found this gentleman Luis Soriano, a primary school teacher in Columbia who is also known as the one man Biblioburro. This was an episode of P.O.V. on PBS. Mr. Soriano is inspired to teach patrons of his community and country young and old alike how to read and the importance of literacy. How does he do this you ask? Well every weekend [for the last 10 years] Mr. Soriano gets up before the sun gathers his family to help pack 20 books on the backs of his two donkeys Alfa and Beto and sets off on a 6-8 hour journey to visit villages beyond the valleys where he reads to children, helps them learn to read, and shares his book collection by letting them sign out books. He also lets them sign out books for their family members.

I thought it was an interesting story so I continued to watch. The story is told only by him, no narrator and it's in Spanish. As I continued to watch I became inspired. Watching him travel through the heat and across river and not because he wants to be seen, and not because he's out to save the world, but it just seemed quite fundamental to him. He's a proud Colombian who knows the value of education and literacy and he wants to see his community get access to opportunity and thrive. Simple. It's the most meaningful thing I've seen on TV all weekend. There's no gimmick to this guy or his story, no Type B personalities here, or overbearing emotional and dramatic outbursts.

Anyhow his story is great. He's doing the right thing because it's right, and it's effective. It's hard work, but that to me is real life and what it's really all about. Cheers to you, Mr. Soriano!

"When things are done with love and dedication, they transcend time and space"- Luis Soriano

July 19, 2011

Some days are better than others. Today was good to me. I was good to myself. Hope days to come are good too. A good day is worth mentioning to me.

"Oooooohhhh wah-oooo"

I wanna be her.

Runeth Over

I was having a conversation with my mom about all of the things I have been experiencing as of late...things are complex, life is complex and instead of trying to FIGURE it all out because as I told her I am a worrier by nature, I'm tryna WORK it out all, by taking it in stide and riding the wave...hoping there's something greater to come....Things aren't always what they seem and though we often use the anology of "the cup as half empty or half full" I've come to the realization that perhaps my cup MUST runeth over in order for me to put it down and as my mom would say, "re-stable-ize". Because as long as there's a handle on that cup and I think I got a grip on it, half full OR half empty, the cup itself may be keeping me from picking up something greater or more useful, or learning a new lesson, receiving a new blessing. We don't control everything in life and free will can be a helluva choice, but we CAN choose how we would like to react and let the Lord judge us as thy may...I'm sure thou will be glad to know I TRIED, and with all my might.

I'm Glad My Fan Wasn't Clean Today...

With all of the hustle and bustle of the day. Work was exhausting. Moving furniture, making phone calls, answering to the students, delegating to the staff, meeting with clients, planning with the high schoolers to facilitate for the middle schoolers, taking notes, late voicemails, lengthy text messages, late text messages, making healthy food choices in between it all. Raining when I just got a doobie wrap. Muscles aching after doing an hour of weights after not being in the gym for 2 months.

Finally make it home, with tears in my eyes. I need to have quiet, rest, reflection, prayer, intention, focus, and a cool breeze. Out of nowhere it's frickkin 82 degrees today, and then it rains. It's moist and hot.

Usually cleaning my fan is utterly annoying. I have to take it apart and tediously clean each spec of collected dust from its rungs with a rag; and of course I don't clean it in the winter...

But today, today I was glad to come home to a dusty fan in a box. No TV. No music, no facebook and certainly no work overflow. I was happy to go to the basement grab the box still sealed from moving with my dusty (because I opted again not to clean it while packing) fan inside. I brought it upstairs. I took it apart on my kitchen floor and cleaned it throughly. When it was up to standard I put it back together lining up each latch perfectly and screwing each screw with patience and focus like I was building something I never seen nor built. I concentrated like you would to do measurements in a chem lab. I didn't allow myself to think of anything else. Just this one task. It felt great. When I finished putting it together I turned it on, let it blow in the other direction for a few moments and then turned it to me.

I plopped on my newly purchased blended leather couch closed my eyes and listened to the hum. It's a strong hum because it's one of those high velocity fans. I felt my body get cool and for a moment I drifted off. And all I knew was that. How relaxing. How pleasurable and simple the moment.

how grateful I am to have had it. How glad I am that my fan wasn't clean today.

I Just Had a 3 Hour Conversation with Me, Myself, and God Without Saying One Word.

PHHS Students puttin' in work on the art front. I like it. I like it a lot.

The students and some community artists teamed up to add this delectable art to our hallway. It's a mosaic. Quite creative and beautiful in my opinion. Good work.

On Another Note

I know I am blessed. I need to absorb it. Life's everchanging. Keep up. I am grateful. I do need to do something different though. Make sure I'm gettin' it right. I thought I was demanding; well so is my flesh. This sun is helping me so much though. Coming out of hibernation. Praise the lord. This winter seemed especially long. almost forgot what the sun was like. That ain't never good. Hello vitamin D & K. I missed you. Hello new house. Hello big ass yard. Hello soon established garden. Hello freshly planted flowers. Hello Papito & Rocky, my soon to be min-pins. Hello. Hello. Hello. I welcome you. :-) Joy.

Happy Friday!

This wall made my day today. It may look like a yellow wall, but really it's the mark of a great new begining. You see this beautiful, warm, yellow wall is the begining of a transformation that is well overdue and yet right on time. We are on our way to a new and improved space. We're growing. :-) :-) :-). Oh it's soooo exciting.I didn't know what to expect...from the color, from the space or from the process. The return however must be greater than, because I feel ahead of myself. It's hard to explain right now. Maybe in the near future I can catch up or be more present and articulate it a little better. 'Til then I am warm, hopeful, and in the process of changing for the better, and beaming, and making it look easy...like this wall.

:-)

Above The Rim

MY SHIT.

Bout to watch it.

RIGHT now.

That's all.

Have a good day.

Bow Bow #Shotsfired

Today I went to the range and I fired a weapon for the first time. I have been to the range before, but only to browse and I have watched others fire weapons from outside the shooting range, but this was different. This weekend was the gun show. There were retailers there with anything from a .22 to desert eagles to tommy guns, machine guns, and shit that looked like it would make Rambo piss himself.

I was a little anxious about the situation. "I don't like violence. I don't like guns." I was curious though and I thought learning to shoot would give me some confidence with all the power that assumably comes with it. I went with some friends of mine.

I realized how much of a novice I was as I browsed the room looking for a piece for myself. I found a table where a man was displaying several .38 special revolvers in assorted colors. Of of the individuals I was with suggested this would be a decent place to start.

I was thinking a .22 was a good place to start, but I trust this person so I went with it. We gave the vendor our licenses and he boxed our weapons.

We purchased some ammo, grabbed a target, protective eye-wear and ear-wear and went into the range where we would share a lane. As we prepared the weapon I was startled by all the level of calibers being fired around me. Shells were poppin everywhere. Some were like the sounds of what an exploding garbage can might sound like. I tried to ready myself and not make it obvious that I was jumping at every loud noise.

I quietly thought to myself, " wouldn't if be more weird if I were just all about this? SHOULDN'T I be cautious?" My turn came quick. I stepped up, but I couldn't do it. I watched the gun jump and spark as it was fired by my friend.

So I took my own advice and went a few lanes down to another friend where I would fire a .22, it was pretty easy to shoot. Then I got excited. I wasn't afraid anymore. I went back down to the other lane back to the .38 but I had a relapse and I couldn't do it. My friend said to me:

"This is an experience that may benefit you and some of the young people you work with because of your relationship with them and the work you do. Then you can explain your experience and share what you learned, how you felt, and you can better understand and share the impact and possible implications of dealing with guns"

I didn't accept the challenge because of that nor did I accept in someway to seem like I'd be more relatable to them because I fired a gun.(that would be rediculous) I did it because I wanted to and because I agreed that if I was going to do it I would do it for me AND for that. I fired the .38 It had some kick to it. After 2 rounds I was done. I was less anxious by the time we left but still maintained some caution and a little tremble which let me know I was still in tact and hadn't completely changed.

I have to say it was a good experience for me and I have no regrets. For now.

That's it for now...

It's good Sunday, I got clothes to fold.

Rest In Peace

Grandma Dona
November 21 1937-March 30 1998
♥WE LOVE YOU!!! MECCA MECCA! 10-4 & Out!!!♥
DEUS BA KU BO!
WATCH OVER US ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

March 30, 2011

I am finally all moved in. I am surrounded by boxes, yet I have created a comfortable space in my livingroom with warm lighting where I have spent the last few days and I'll spend the next 2 before the weekend in this same space. I am getting used to the sounds of my new home. The creaks, the furnace, the fridge; all against the deafening silence. I have been in an apartment for so long. I am used to loud voices, blaring music, sirens in the city, loud people walking by outside. But not here. It is quiet. I don't particularly mind it either. Takes some getting used to still.

I can't wait to paint, put up pictures, design my office space and make it my own. I can't wait for summer to lounge in my big yard and watch Papito; my soon to be minature doberman pinscher run free in all the space. The fact that I can even contemplate my own little garden makes me smile. AND I have an outdoor clothes line. How awesome is that?!? I LIKE it.

hmmmmm...well this daydream is about to be wrapped for the night. I must get back to work. I have plently of it to slow me down and distract me from staring at walls and decorating them with my mind.

I am grateful to god for this space. A space to rest, be warm, cook meals, nest, clean, customize: a home.

sweeeet!


home!

I wish I was connected to someone in such a way that they could see deep into me and understand what I feel, see, and know, and teach me new things that I don't. I wish I didnt feel like I'm on the outside. I am as human as human can be. Why do I have to be a certain way?

I am so frustrated right now, because I feel like I live in a city with so many people who I can't seem to make a pure connection with. What world is this. Stand up to the rediculous. Stand up to what you know at the core of you is wrong, no matter how small. Are you in touch with the core of you? What are the things you will not compromise? Can you separate them from what is flexible in you?

Growing up, I was the most unconfident person. I always believed there was something wrong with me. so insecure.

I have been begging god for something to hang onto, something to be sure of, something to stand on. It is certain values and principles on which I'm standing and won't flex. THAT is what I'm sure of. I can't apologize for being who I am, especially when I KNOW I'm not anywhere close to 100 feet away from being perfect.

who wants to take this journey with me? and who's setting the path? Who wants to set the path? Who WILL set the path?

I wish I could better articulate what I'm experiencing right now. I have been told that I'm very articulate and I know I can be good with words, but what I'm feeling seems like common sense to me. I can't--I won't leave this place right now, because I feel like I still have some great work to do.

But I wish, oh how I wish it could just be here for a little bit; what I need.
I need something to get me there and/or something to hold until I do.

I will pray on it. I will not go insane. Nor will I bend my backbone on what is at the core of me. I wish I could maintain this strength everyday.I don't always do what I should, and I know just because I can say that, I don't desereve nor get a pass.

I feel this energy burning up my back. I know it's real. I know there's more to it. why else would my soul be pushed like this.

I need to leave this city...lord please just help me make it until I can. Don't let my soul and my inner strength be snatched from me and if/when you should see me even THINKING about giving it away PLEASE SAVE ME. Please bring me back, to what I'm sure of: you, my values, and what my destiny is in this life.

Help me to do the things that are best and healthy. Help me to understand that failure is a natural part of life. Help me to answer my soul when it calls no matter how tired or selfish my flesh. Thank you for giving me something to stand on (my values, love, wisdom, courage) when I think I'm drowning, I just gotta calm down and stand up. I have to know that you would never put me in any water where I couldn't.

I'm not crazy or over zeallous. I am passioned.

I know perspective and experience allows for me to see things one way and perhaps she will see it another; but some things are unhealthy no matter how you look at them.

Eating feces will make you sick. Doing so would elicit a very physical, very obvious response/consequence; one that 99% of us would probably frown upon. I wish people would equate that to the cognitive experience. The unhealthy choices we make in the latter; the reaction or consequence may not be immediate; but our minds are branded as a particular choice or behavior is once exhibited can develop through repitition into an expectation and the expectation as we have learned to adjust and adapt to the expectation and through that repitition becomes the rule. It's the nature of the brain; as a physical body part, which mind you is where your mind dwells.

So why do we not nourish it in balance with recreation? Why do we not give it limits as we do with other parts or functions of our bodies? I am aware that what I speak of is a very small part of many brain functions and behavior, but it is a part we can consciously understand and can clearly manipulate.

You wouldn't break your knee caps with a hammer and expect to be able to run afterward unaffected. so why would you think that you could fill your eyes and mind with many things negative and expect to think clearly and unaffected afterward?

Silly rabbit.

This is a long ass blog, yes. It began with a cathartic release then slid down a line of linear logic and ended with what can be looked at as a personal philosophy.

But that's me. All over the place, but-Very clear. I'm good with that. One of two things can happen, I could find other like minded individuals (in which case I must leave this city) or I can expect other folks to think like me. I'm inclined to go with the former.

But I'll pray on it.

Could it be I'm falling in love...

...witcha baabyyyy

bikes, books, and T.V.s

December 17 2010

Good Morning! Today will be a great day! Let's make it happen folks! This week has been bittersweet, but my goods outweigh my bads if I'm thinking clearly. So I feels like celebratin'! =) You could do the same, because if you think about it something in your life is probably greater than you ever expected it to be....for today, let it overshadow something that wasn't. HAPPY FRIDAY :)

Where art thou? I need you...Shell's Pod :'(

If I could describe this week in one word I would call it bittersweet...I lost my I-Pod yesterday and I'm stinging inside for numerous reasons, but I think I'm being quite mature about it and dealing with it rather well...for now. I feel like I have a lot to be happy about with the work I have been doing, the way things are going at my job (the lessons I'm learning, the constant growing process, knowing I still have room to learn new stuff so I don't get bored or too content)so much so that I can't complain too much.

I know though that in the days to come I will wish to hear a particular song or playlist, and when I realize that I can't and WHY, the wound will be pried open and I may shed a tear or two...

I cannot even go there right now :(

Anyhow...this moment is important, I'm posturing right now. There's a bittersweet pain in my heart. semi-present- semi-in denial. My music, oh how I miss thee...

What World is This?

I really shouldn't sleep during the day. It makes me groggy and gives me strange dreams and nightmares while I am wide awake. Then I am up at 12:30am thinking more than anyone should at this time of night. I am watching the idiot box. It really is man's greatest and worst invention. All kinds of things come on. The later it gets the more extreme and weird the programing. That on top of fluctuating temperament and my intense thought process also known as worrying; makes me once again dread the fact that I slept in the daytime. I usually never do, but these past two days I have just been exhausted. The title of this blog represents the disorientation I sometimes feel when I fuck with my normal sleep pattern like this. 20 minute cat naps are said to be okay, and that's usually the intention. Then I wake up an hour to an hour and a half later. huh. *YAWN*

Lots of exposure to the sun today. I know that makes you tired. I have a long day tomorrow as well. I must get some rest. My brain hurts. BLAH! =( maybe tomorrow will be better. Let's hope for the best! =)

alright...

Burstin' at the Seams.

My mind runeth over. I am trying to understand what is to be made of my presence on this earth the way God sees fit. That is the only way.
I was born willful, I am emotional, I am cautious, I am intellectual and clairvoyant, and many other things; ignorant, deceitful, self-indulgent at times, selfish, whether or not I intend to be.

I just want to make sense of things. I have this urgency. I am inclined to systems and I need to understand the sequence of events. That has been one of the greatest parts of my journey, that is; those times where I can look back on my life and understand why. Or at least make sense of it.

And..here I am again. At 25. Tryna make the pieces fit together. And pass my tests. I have decisions to make, and --what do you know-- I'm also incredibly indecisive. I'll share what's on my mind and in turn maybe gain some more insight, or at least pray to have another moment of clarity one day when it all makes sense.

**************************************************************************

I had suddenly developed a taste for wine. Before you know it I was keeping a bottle of Riesling on chill. I know there were many-a-nights to follow where I was cooking, drinkin wine and listening to a lot of old school music. Stuff my parents used to listen to, that I loved as a child, and in turn adopted for days like these where I wanted to affirm my adulthood. Plus there's a soul in this music that is devoid in today's R&B. It's the high notes, the talking to the audience in between verses, and just feelin' and knowing it was designed with grown folks in mind.

a glass of wine here and there turned into a glass of wine here and there.
A glass one night turned into a bottle, followed by many unnoticed drunken nights.

attached to the drinking, a very self-righteous I don't give a fuck attitude. Led to more bad and uncharacteristic decisions. He was one incident I'm still ignorantly and arrogantly trying to figure out and understand.And he was another. I was playing them off of each other, to have a reason to have at least one of em. how destuctive and manipnulative a triangle. With a couple floaters to sometimes soften the fall.

In between this other truths came to light..well brighter light. They were always there. Truths I could not handle nor understand. Which led me right back to self destuctive behaviors.

Then I read Sister Souljah's MIDNIGHT A Gangster Love Story; a prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever. Definitely another moment for me. Throughout the read I felt as if within this story was one of the teachers I was instuctued [in the midst of all of this by an intelligent older woman] to continue to bend my knees and pray for. If not a teacher, certainly still a lesson.

Now I'm re-evaluating. Where to go...what to do...how to change...how to be strategically and intentionally decisive and progressive. How to get back..or move forward.

There's still a great deal of thought as always swirling around in my mind, pieces are present, but the picture is not yet clear. Perhaps more pieces to come. Pieces that make some kind of sense. I'm sure they all do...right?

A picture; a story, a teacher; a lesson..a needle and thread to tighten the seams and make things sturdy again. More sturdy than before. And understanding , I pray for it and for a tomorrow. I know it's not promised and I'm thankful for every one.

Conversation Circles

SCENARIO #1: I am awake. It's 12:45am. I am thinking about many things. I am watching a special on CNN called Black in America. It's making me a little disgruntled. I really don't expect the media to be objective so I am not surprised that once again they have romanticized "The Black Experience". Always pointing out the so called symptoms of the experience: welfare, single parent households, gang violence, HIV/AIDS, academic achievement gaps, incarceration, poverty etc.. but not once addressing the ecological conditions and institutionalized racism that perpetuates some of these ongoing problems.Let's be real these folks are hand selected, unbalanced usually leaning towards middle class values in an effort to get those who have yet to cross over to conform and adjust to a 'new america' where we can all realize the american dream. Very romantic.

SCENARIO# 2: I coordinate afterschool programs at an inner-city high school. two weeks ago I decided to start a step team for the young ladies that I work with. I set out to build this program because 1) the ladies requested that we add such a program 2)doing so would be a great opportunity for them to learn or improve leadership skills and foster positive relationships with their peers 4)female empowerment 4)physical activity. I thought well this should be great! For the first two meetings those who said they wanted to be involved showed up and for the most part things went as planned. The girls started working on a routine and they seemed to mesh well together. Great! Then today 3/4 of them didn't show up. There was conflict the night before at a basketball game that included a few of the members of the team. So two of thos involved didn't show up and because they didn't show up those who hang with them didn't show up. One of the girls 'involved' in the conflict took the time to explain to me what was going on. the end result: some common themes among young black women and their interaction and communication that are not new but recently have become quite salient:

1) gossip
2) confrontation
3) competitiveness
4) preoccupation with men
5) lack of self awareness

I was disappointed and disgruntled that the girls didn't show up and I told the ones that did, next week were going to have group and talk about some of these issues and essentially, how they are getting in the way of our progression. I told them I'm not going to give up on the program.

SCENARIO #3: Over the last few weeks in my Family Counseling class we have been focusing on several differnt therapeutic theories and techniques. This week we talked about Structural Therapy. I really like Structural Family Therapy because it looks at the overall organization of the family system in order to try and figure out how various forms of family interaction are maintained. the objective is to adjust boundaries and realign subsystems within the family structure. Part of this process involves the therapist observing a family's interactions. The way members of the family interact informs the therapist of patterns of behavior between members of the family. The therapist will be able to see where boundaries may be too rigid or to diffused and where various subsystems which can include generation, gender, or function are out of wack. When the therapist is able to adjust boundaires and realign subsystems she changes the behavior and experience of each family member thereby offering alternative patterns of interaction that can in turn modify the family structure. It sounds complicated, but it's quite simple, one can better understand the system as a whole and why it functions the way it does by first understanding the patterns of interaction within the system that perpetuate or maintain it. Fabulous!

What do all these scenarios have to do with each other you ask?
Everything.

They all have me thinking about perception. All the angles from which we see things and then how we approach different scenarios accordingly. What is or isn't being talked about that allows us to deal with issues the way we do? or don't?

I have also moreso as of late, been struggling with some very personal issues (or so I'd like to think) and wanting to reach out for help, but--not knowing where or who to reach out to.

The question of appropriate responses to me would be best addressed collectively as a community. We have the opportunity to learn from each other's experiences and provide support for each other as needed. In doing so we can frame how we wish to deal with these issues and better prepare our children to be able to deal with them as well. Part of this process is going to involve pulling people and being pulled from isolation; to quote someone's comment I read on a different blog earlier, "to make one's experience more human and less special". I know some of the things I am struggling with are echoed. Perhaps someone else is also dealing with them in isolation as I have been. We need to open up some clear ways of communication. CNN can butt-out and we can butt-in.

I haven't been able, (or completely willing in my personal matters as of late) to bounce my questions and thoughts off of others in engaging, free, comfortable, and safe places/spaces. Perhaps I'm blind to those that may already exist, but from where I'm standing there aren't many that meet all that criteria. So I would like to create some...or for that matter if someone knows something I don't....

Here are some Conversation Circles I would like to invite folks in my community to start/join:

1) Women's support group that empahsizes physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and awareness, addresses issues of relationships, parenting, work, healthy eating, self love, and issues of competition between women

2)Support group for family members of people who are incarcerated. How are we dealing with this in our community? Damn near everybody experiences it, yet there's no conversation or technique shared for how to deal with this experience, and it IS one to deal with.

3) Womens mentorship initiative. this circle would include adult women who would mentor young women. This group could include activities like cooking, academic mentorship,counseling,group activities and outings...

4) A co-ed group would be nice also, but I think there are some issues to be addressed separately before this is gon work...just a thought..

I am more than willing to use my home as a free space if others wish to be involved...It really don't even have to be that specific...hell we can just start with GROUP. =) Where we just discuss what's going on with us as women and families.

I know it ain't just me. Don't you DARE leave me hangin', we need some intervention ladies across generations...and in general men and women in the community do not communitcate enough in a meaningful and posititve manner.

I know this is a pretty long blog. It simply is a mixture of things floating in my mind. It gets crowded up there.

So if you have read through it thanks for taking the time.

I am so SERIOUS about GROUP =) tho. If you are interested, have thoughts, know of some already existing initiative, or wish to join me in that journey please, leave comments!!

It is now 3am. I'm going to lay me head down to rest now that I got that out. =)

ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ....nite.

Ninja Billy on Faith and Perseverance

Ninja Billy on 'The Calling'

Great Expectations?

I just had a conversation with my dad about the type of discouraging approaches I get from men. I told him that it is sooooooo frustrating when a man approaches me and even if I tell him I'm taken he still insists on tryna 'get in'. Not only that he insists that he could be a better man to me than the person I'm with and I should "just have dinner" or "go to a movie" sometime with him. "You know what I'm saying, I'm just tryna get to know you", "Oh I can't be your friend?" I have told fools I'm married and they STILL be tryna get in. I mean come on now?!? Who do you mofos think you are?

My dad told me that part of it is the community in which I live, that the values--or lack thereof are much too consistent with music videos and what folks see on T.V. I told him there aren't enough elders in the community to provide some guidence and common sense to not only these young men but to the young women as well, because this stuff obviously works, otherwise why continue to use it?

I know what game is and I know what LAME is. I am not stuck up at all. In fact I speak to everyone who speaks to me. If a dude tries to holla and I'm not interested I say no thanks and have a good day. Apparently they must think I'm being shy because they seem to only try harder after that.

I understand that everyone has impulses but you can't act on 'em all the time. fools is on survival mode for real. It's either that or just a lack of expectation.

One of the most frustrating things for me when it comes to men is their lack of expectation for us women. If we expect for our men to be hard workers, providers, and independent and we take nothing less we are stuck up, self-righteous, demanding ect... but when you think about it from our end where is the expectation for us as women? How many of us have been told over and over again, "men are intimidated by you..." I think that's hogwash. I'm tired of being looked at like that. I need for you to want more from me. Just because I got a job and I'm independent doesn't make me flawless or unapproachable. I mean a man finds out that I cook and all of a sudden he's stuck to me like glue. He doesn't even care what I cook. Or "she got a job and her own place and her house is clean--I wanna marry her." I mean is that all it takes these days? I mean HELLO. We women are so much more than that. If you expected me to be intelligent, if you expected me to know how to cook, if you expected for me to be clean and keep a clean house, if you expected me to keep a job then perhaps you would know how to challenge me appropriately far beyond that and hold me accountable when I'm not doing so well in these areas. I mean is that not a sign, if not the greatest sign of love for another; to challenge them to be all they wish to be and more?

You gotta understand where I'm coming from. I need someone who's gonna keep my feet on the ground. That means challenging me. If you like that I cook and clean and you like the conversation that's great, but I don't want that to be all you expect of me. I want you to challenge me to keep it up. I want you to push me. I am going to challenge you and I need that reciprocity.

The Gloom of Bloom.

Ahh yes! Late bloomers unite! Later for Johnny..SHELLEY come lately they'll say to those who arrive after the bell rings! Yes, I am a late bloomer. I didn't hit puberty til I was 13, I barely kissed a boy at 16, and I still have a baby face and baby hair. But it hasn't crippled me-NOOOOO! I find all the humor in the world in being asked "where's your pass?" or "Where do you think you're going?!" When I walk the halls of the school where I work. Oh! Oh! Oh! or how about eating in the teacher's lounge with you and then having you ask me in the hall the next day, "Why aren't you in class?" For the last time, I WORK HERE YOU ASS WIPE! AND why are you staring at my ass?! Ooh! Ohh! ohh! it doesn't stop there, what about that beggin' ass lady who lives down the hall who knocked on my door to ask for a cup of sugar, and when I answered asked to speak to the lady of the house? Bitch I am the lady of the house! Yes There's nothing I love more than to be constantly underestimated because YOU'RE an idiot. Just accept that YES I am THIS and THAT. I am multifacited and could possibly be better at YOUR job than YOU. So word to the wise if you don't wish to be called an old hag, then I suggest you don't call me a young buck. Recognize what I bring to the table and judge me on THAT.

Respect my hustle BEEEITCH.

In the Morning Light

shhh...

I have all these thoughts echoing in my mind. I wish I could sleep. 11, 12, 1, 2...
When my hair is like this I get all nervous from winding it back and forth. So much my wrist hurts. I am great during the day working and bursting with ideas, so much so that I fear the end of the day's arrival. There's so much work to be done. I'm grateful for every next day.

It'd be nice to have someone like him, only not him..to put his hand on top of mine and calm the erradic heartbeat inside me and to give balance to the weight of my thoughts cuz thank God; we share a common vision. and shit, just for the simple fact of knowing someone else is there.

or if only I would drink the tea.

or if only I would trust.

or if only....and if only and and and and and and and and and and and and and

shhhhhhhhhhhh

hush child I can't hear the silence.

damn

Home.

Moving is OH SO STRESSFUL. I am DONE finally. I am ready to put up pictures and make my house a home. =) sigh. I am back in the community where I grew up. I am glad to be back in the city. I love the sounds. I love the people and the kids all up and down the block. I love the street ball and bar-b-ques and braiding hair on the front steps.

I am so grateful for the direction in which my life is going. It has been somewhat of a slow process,but if it was written; then I am right where I am suppose to be. All praises be to Allah.

I'm back up in that thang!

HOLLA HOLLA SCHOLAR!

S.P.E.A.C. Celebrates: The Listening Session Project

I guess this is as good a time as any to remind you (or inform you if you don't already know):

SPEAC and Hope Community present: Listening Sessions, The Findings. Come one and all to hear, listen and share in a community discussion about what’s really going on in the Twin Cities! SPEAC members spoke with over 200 young people from all over the metro area about what is important to them. We took notes, sifted through the info, and gathered the themes. What are the youth of Minneapolis and St. Paul saying about their communities? What do you have to say? Come and share your ideas about the next steps we need to take to bring the Twin Cities to a bigger and brighter future!

[Wednesday March 19th 5:00-7:30pm. For more info or to RSVP e-mail or call Kristy Clemons: kristy@hope-community.org, 612-435-1683]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

YMCA Youth in Government Model United Nations Conference 2008!

Hello all! I am back. I am not fully recovered from my health complications of last week, but I am surely getting there any day now...with that being said I was hard at work this weekend regardless. That's the way the cookie crumbles! So here's some info on the fun I had this weekend. I have to say it helped to be occupied even though I was not well. Check it out!


I have just returned from the 2008 YMCA Model United Nations conference. It was my first year as an advisor and I have to say I absolutely LOVE the program! What a great opportunity to get youth involved in global politics and government. It was a real treat to watch all the students pretty much run the entire conference. They were articulate, and knowledgeable about their countries.

--let me back up for a second for those that don't know...

The Model United Nations Conference is a YMCA Youth in Government program. It gives students the opportunity to participate in a replica of a United Nations General Assembly. Before the conference the students choose a country as a delegation, do research and prepare position papers based on topics chosen by committees as it relates to their country.



At the conference the students caucus with other countries within their assigned committees and once they reach an agreement they write a resolution and forward it to the General Assembly where the other nations will have the opportunity to discuss and debate the resolution. Then all of the nations vote and the resolution will either pass or fail. The general assembly, and all of the councils and committees are run by trained students, although there are certain age/grade requirements for different positions (president of the GA, secretariats, council members...) you only need be in 7-12th grade to participate as a delegate and the students come from all across the state. Some students have moved out of town and continue to come back every year to participate in the program.

I have to say I was EXTREMELY impressed with how the students handled themselves, their dedication to the program and their ability and desire to take on the actual role of representing their countries; the amount of time and research that is put in, is just PHENOMENAL! I am proud and honored to have been an Advisor this year and look forward to next year's conference!

I encourage any and of of you who read this to check out the link (at the top) if you are interested in starting a delegation at your local YMCA, School, or community center and/or to learn more about this and other Youth in Government programs.

out of commission...

Cats look so peaceful when they sleep. They get the kind of sleep us humans could only dream of (ironically lol) I wanna sleep like them for just one night.ohhhhh... well I am out of commission right now. I haven't been keeping track of much. My body's going through crazy changes right now.

so if you have wriiten me, e-mailed me, called me and didn't get an answer don't worry...

you're not the only one.

lol.

Don't worry, I shall return. WITH A VENGENCE! lol. (cough cough)

peace out ninjas Hiyaa!

Tenpu Txuba...

N sta kasabi. Fika ku sodadi sol y agu.

N kre nada na bo, y kola ku bo.

Brevimenti, N vontadi.

Tenpu Txuba...ba lonji.

Hello World...

Hello fellow bloggers!

I'm Shelley. My friends call me shells. If you look at my profile you will notice that I have been here for some time. Along with my membership to the Liberator weblog (check it!) I used to actually have an active blog here.

...buuuuut I ended up starting one elsewhere with all of my writings. This blog will also contain some writings here and there, but mostly it will be focused on a day in the life of yours truly. So really anything could show up on here =)

Anyway so I'm back. So check back often and see what's new...leave comments...ask questions.

I'll be here.

btw--unlike my previous blog, the first post to this blog is entirely in Kriolu. I am Capeverdean,



and with the passing of my grandmother when I was 14; the language has seeped it's way out of my family's daily lives, so I am trying to teach myself in order to keep it alive. This means you will probably see a lot of it here.

that's it for now. Check out my profile for other details..

ta-ta for now folks! =)