What World is This?

I really shouldn't sleep during the day. It makes me groggy and gives me strange dreams and nightmares while I am wide awake. Then I am up at 12:30am thinking more than anyone should at this time of night. I am watching the idiot box. It really is man's greatest and worst invention. All kinds of things come on. The later it gets the more extreme and weird the programing. That on top of fluctuating temperament and my intense thought process also known as worrying; makes me once again dread the fact that I slept in the daytime. I usually never do, but these past two days I have just been exhausted. The title of this blog represents the disorientation I sometimes feel when I fuck with my normal sleep pattern like this. 20 minute cat naps are said to be okay, and that's usually the intention. Then I wake up an hour to an hour and a half later. huh. *YAWN*

Lots of exposure to the sun today. I know that makes you tired. I have a long day tomorrow as well. I must get some rest. My brain hurts. BLAH! =( maybe tomorrow will be better. Let's hope for the best! =)

alright...

Burstin' at the Seams.

My mind runeth over. I am trying to understand what is to be made of my presence on this earth the way God sees fit. That is the only way.
I was born willful, I am emotional, I am cautious, I am intellectual and clairvoyant, and many other things; ignorant, deceitful, self-indulgent at times, selfish, whether or not I intend to be.

I just want to make sense of things. I have this urgency. I am inclined to systems and I need to understand the sequence of events. That has been one of the greatest parts of my journey, that is; those times where I can look back on my life and understand why. Or at least make sense of it.

And..here I am again. At 25. Tryna make the pieces fit together. And pass my tests. I have decisions to make, and --what do you know-- I'm also incredibly indecisive. I'll share what's on my mind and in turn maybe gain some more insight, or at least pray to have another moment of clarity one day when it all makes sense.

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I had suddenly developed a taste for wine. Before you know it I was keeping a bottle of Riesling on chill. I know there were many-a-nights to follow where I was cooking, drinkin wine and listening to a lot of old school music. Stuff my parents used to listen to, that I loved as a child, and in turn adopted for days like these where I wanted to affirm my adulthood. Plus there's a soul in this music that is devoid in today's R&B. It's the high notes, the talking to the audience in between verses, and just feelin' and knowing it was designed with grown folks in mind.

a glass of wine here and there turned into a glass of wine here and there.
A glass one night turned into a bottle, followed by many unnoticed drunken nights.

attached to the drinking, a very self-righteous I don't give a fuck attitude. Led to more bad and uncharacteristic decisions. He was one incident I'm still ignorantly and arrogantly trying to figure out and understand.And he was another. I was playing them off of each other, to have a reason to have at least one of em. how destuctive and manipnulative a triangle. With a couple floaters to sometimes soften the fall.

In between this other truths came to light..well brighter light. They were always there. Truths I could not handle nor understand. Which led me right back to self destuctive behaviors.

Then I read Sister Souljah's MIDNIGHT A Gangster Love Story; a prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever. Definitely another moment for me. Throughout the read I felt as if within this story was one of the teachers I was instuctued [in the midst of all of this by an intelligent older woman] to continue to bend my knees and pray for. If not a teacher, certainly still a lesson.

Now I'm re-evaluating. Where to go...what to do...how to change...how to be strategically and intentionally decisive and progressive. How to get back..or move forward.

There's still a great deal of thought as always swirling around in my mind, pieces are present, but the picture is not yet clear. Perhaps more pieces to come. Pieces that make some kind of sense. I'm sure they all do...right?

A picture; a story, a teacher; a lesson..a needle and thread to tighten the seams and make things sturdy again. More sturdy than before. And understanding , I pray for it and for a tomorrow. I know it's not promised and I'm thankful for every one.

Conversation Circles

SCENARIO #1: I am awake. It's 12:45am. I am thinking about many things. I am watching a special on CNN called Black in America. It's making me a little disgruntled. I really don't expect the media to be objective so I am not surprised that once again they have romanticized "The Black Experience". Always pointing out the so called symptoms of the experience: welfare, single parent households, gang violence, HIV/AIDS, academic achievement gaps, incarceration, poverty etc.. but not once addressing the ecological conditions and institutionalized racism that perpetuates some of these ongoing problems.Let's be real these folks are hand selected, unbalanced usually leaning towards middle class values in an effort to get those who have yet to cross over to conform and adjust to a 'new america' where we can all realize the american dream. Very romantic.

SCENARIO# 2: I coordinate afterschool programs at an inner-city high school. two weeks ago I decided to start a step team for the young ladies that I work with. I set out to build this program because 1) the ladies requested that we add such a program 2)doing so would be a great opportunity for them to learn or improve leadership skills and foster positive relationships with their peers 4)female empowerment 4)physical activity. I thought well this should be great! For the first two meetings those who said they wanted to be involved showed up and for the most part things went as planned. The girls started working on a routine and they seemed to mesh well together. Great! Then today 3/4 of them didn't show up. There was conflict the night before at a basketball game that included a few of the members of the team. So two of thos involved didn't show up and because they didn't show up those who hang with them didn't show up. One of the girls 'involved' in the conflict took the time to explain to me what was going on. the end result: some common themes among young black women and their interaction and communication that are not new but recently have become quite salient:

1) gossip
2) confrontation
3) competitiveness
4) preoccupation with men
5) lack of self awareness

I was disappointed and disgruntled that the girls didn't show up and I told the ones that did, next week were going to have group and talk about some of these issues and essentially, how they are getting in the way of our progression. I told them I'm not going to give up on the program.

SCENARIO #3: Over the last few weeks in my Family Counseling class we have been focusing on several differnt therapeutic theories and techniques. This week we talked about Structural Therapy. I really like Structural Family Therapy because it looks at the overall organization of the family system in order to try and figure out how various forms of family interaction are maintained. the objective is to adjust boundaries and realign subsystems within the family structure. Part of this process involves the therapist observing a family's interactions. The way members of the family interact informs the therapist of patterns of behavior between members of the family. The therapist will be able to see where boundaries may be too rigid or to diffused and where various subsystems which can include generation, gender, or function are out of wack. When the therapist is able to adjust boundaires and realign subsystems she changes the behavior and experience of each family member thereby offering alternative patterns of interaction that can in turn modify the family structure. It sounds complicated, but it's quite simple, one can better understand the system as a whole and why it functions the way it does by first understanding the patterns of interaction within the system that perpetuate or maintain it. Fabulous!

What do all these scenarios have to do with each other you ask?
Everything.

They all have me thinking about perception. All the angles from which we see things and then how we approach different scenarios accordingly. What is or isn't being talked about that allows us to deal with issues the way we do? or don't?

I have also moreso as of late, been struggling with some very personal issues (or so I'd like to think) and wanting to reach out for help, but--not knowing where or who to reach out to.

The question of appropriate responses to me would be best addressed collectively as a community. We have the opportunity to learn from each other's experiences and provide support for each other as needed. In doing so we can frame how we wish to deal with these issues and better prepare our children to be able to deal with them as well. Part of this process is going to involve pulling people and being pulled from isolation; to quote someone's comment I read on a different blog earlier, "to make one's experience more human and less special". I know some of the things I am struggling with are echoed. Perhaps someone else is also dealing with them in isolation as I have been. We need to open up some clear ways of communication. CNN can butt-out and we can butt-in.

I haven't been able, (or completely willing in my personal matters as of late) to bounce my questions and thoughts off of others in engaging, free, comfortable, and safe places/spaces. Perhaps I'm blind to those that may already exist, but from where I'm standing there aren't many that meet all that criteria. So I would like to create some...or for that matter if someone knows something I don't....

Here are some Conversation Circles I would like to invite folks in my community to start/join:

1) Women's support group that empahsizes physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and awareness, addresses issues of relationships, parenting, work, healthy eating, self love, and issues of competition between women

2)Support group for family members of people who are incarcerated. How are we dealing with this in our community? Damn near everybody experiences it, yet there's no conversation or technique shared for how to deal with this experience, and it IS one to deal with.

3) Womens mentorship initiative. this circle would include adult women who would mentor young women. This group could include activities like cooking, academic mentorship,counseling,group activities and outings...

4) A co-ed group would be nice also, but I think there are some issues to be addressed separately before this is gon work...just a thought..

I am more than willing to use my home as a free space if others wish to be involved...It really don't even have to be that specific...hell we can just start with GROUP. =) Where we just discuss what's going on with us as women and families.

I know it ain't just me. Don't you DARE leave me hangin', we need some intervention ladies across generations...and in general men and women in the community do not communitcate enough in a meaningful and posititve manner.

I know this is a pretty long blog. It simply is a mixture of things floating in my mind. It gets crowded up there.

So if you have read through it thanks for taking the time.

I am so SERIOUS about GROUP =) tho. If you are interested, have thoughts, know of some already existing initiative, or wish to join me in that journey please, leave comments!!

It is now 3am. I'm going to lay me head down to rest now that I got that out. =)

ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ....nite.

Ninja Billy on Faith and Perseverance

Ninja Billy on 'The Calling'

Great Expectations?

I just had a conversation with my dad about the type of discouraging approaches I get from men. I told him that it is sooooooo frustrating when a man approaches me and even if I tell him I'm taken he still insists on tryna 'get in'. Not only that he insists that he could be a better man to me than the person I'm with and I should "just have dinner" or "go to a movie" sometime with him. "You know what I'm saying, I'm just tryna get to know you", "Oh I can't be your friend?" I have told fools I'm married and they STILL be tryna get in. I mean come on now?!? Who do you mofos think you are?

My dad told me that part of it is the community in which I live, that the values--or lack thereof are much too consistent with music videos and what folks see on T.V. I told him there aren't enough elders in the community to provide some guidence and common sense to not only these young men but to the young women as well, because this stuff obviously works, otherwise why continue to use it?

I know what game is and I know what LAME is. I am not stuck up at all. In fact I speak to everyone who speaks to me. If a dude tries to holla and I'm not interested I say no thanks and have a good day. Apparently they must think I'm being shy because they seem to only try harder after that.

I understand that everyone has impulses but you can't act on 'em all the time. fools is on survival mode for real. It's either that or just a lack of expectation.

One of the most frustrating things for me when it comes to men is their lack of expectation for us women. If we expect for our men to be hard workers, providers, and independent and we take nothing less we are stuck up, self-righteous, demanding ect... but when you think about it from our end where is the expectation for us as women? How many of us have been told over and over again, "men are intimidated by you..." I think that's hogwash. I'm tired of being looked at like that. I need for you to want more from me. Just because I got a job and I'm independent doesn't make me flawless or unapproachable. I mean a man finds out that I cook and all of a sudden he's stuck to me like glue. He doesn't even care what I cook. Or "she got a job and her own place and her house is clean--I wanna marry her." I mean is that all it takes these days? I mean HELLO. We women are so much more than that. If you expected me to be intelligent, if you expected me to know how to cook, if you expected for me to be clean and keep a clean house, if you expected me to keep a job then perhaps you would know how to challenge me appropriately far beyond that and hold me accountable when I'm not doing so well in these areas. I mean is that not a sign, if not the greatest sign of love for another; to challenge them to be all they wish to be and more?

You gotta understand where I'm coming from. I need someone who's gonna keep my feet on the ground. That means challenging me. If you like that I cook and clean and you like the conversation that's great, but I don't want that to be all you expect of me. I want you to challenge me to keep it up. I want you to push me. I am going to challenge you and I need that reciprocity.