dazed and confused.

I am in a funk. I need a vacation so badly from work. Am I losing my niche? I'm slippin? I'm at the point right now where I simply don't want to be there and to be there irritates me. I'm tired of babysitting other people's kids. I'm tired of irresponsible parenting. I'm tired of the hundreds of papers I have to fill out and sign and re-write. I'm tired of knowing that there will always be. One in one out, one in one out it never stops. I'm tired of idiot social workers and crazy psychiatrists mis-diagnosing the planet. I'm tired of the Disney channel and it's brazenly obvious racism, sexism, and complete mis-interpretation of reality in a social context and in general.

It is time.I am in transition...well I am moving into transition. I miss my own family half the time tryna take care of somone elses. And anybody that knows me knows that I try to see myself in all of the children I work with and I see them as all of our responsibility, thus making them "our" children. but today. Today they are someone elses.I'm not totally comfortable in saying that, but IT IS SO.I think I had the wrong idea coming onto this.

The other day I was talking to a co-worker and he told me I messed up when I let hope enter the picture. I know that can be looked at like why would having hope be a mistake? Shouldn't we have hope don't we need hope....well I will tell you that hope is just that. It aint shit if you don't act on behalf of it. I thought I was by doing this work but I just had too much of it. Please don't get it twisted. follow what I am saying. I have such a tendency to be somewhat of an idealist, and in this instance it's just not good. The world is f*cked up and I cannot save these kids from that or anything else really. I can offer them opportunities, but I cannot make them take them and I know that, but TRUST I do know what's waiting for some of them. What has been set up systematically and it breaks my heart. I can't explain this to a 6 year old. Which brings the question back to my head "whose children are they really" I could show him and or teach him by "raising" him and teaching him/her important values..so forth and so on...but these are not my kids right? Maybe I am ready for little tikes of my own? Naw that's not it. I am dazed and confused.

back to the transition. It's here..well there at least until next Sept. I'm back in school in August. What next then? I'm getting there. i am excited. change is definitely in the making.



thoughts? opinions? comments? words of wisdom? weed?.....okay I was just kidding about the last one.










unless you got some =)

whatchamacallit

Even at the most gorgeous points on the outside I am still floating on empty within it's a slew of ups and downs I feel like I'm on drugs it hits like that up and down I am falling when I grasp something and gain control of it I lose something else my brain only clasps on to certain moments and memories everything outside of that is hard to remember this is a small space the world is trying to turn me out I turn in and watch myself I still feel like I have a handful of sanity I suffer from great paranoia

just us

tonight I won't hide from you

I want you to find me

careful(ly)

on second thought don't be

get lost

with me

in me

quietly

submit

to-

you got me

in

our love-

is loud

in dead silence.

my eyes reveal

pain from

pleasure wait

I try to hide

butyoufindmeeverytime

I didn't know.........

I'm

gone and

your

pain inevitably becomes

my satisfaction

and mine; yours

I love it.

far out places and shinin faces(this title has nothing to do with this blog.)

So today is Sunday. The sabbath day. It's a different kind of Sunday though. Yesterday was interesting. The day before was interesting. Today just bites. So here's a bunch of jumbled up words for all three days..just because I feel like it.

_________________________________________________________

glow.

radiate.

move.

shake.

scream.

shout.

make it.

whatever it is.

do it. honestly and well.

throughly

amuse yourself with it. laugh and joke. teach. inspire.

get lost. find your way back.

don't miss out.

grow. accept. change. restore. revise it.

jump.with your eyes closed.

hmmm... weightlessness.

9/20/06

dream dream, dream a big world. full of hope and joy and desparation and misery and hope and love and growth . a world that you left too fast. your casket I passed.i just seen you and you smiled and your eyes were slanted we both knew what was up.

i dreamt that this was not reality. that old was young and young was old so you indeed died at the right time.

i asked if you were there if you knew and if you seen the outpour of love for you. i have a reoccuring vision of the casket closing and i hear your voice and i see your smile and i want to jump up and say hey she cannot breathe what are you doing? i kept a dry eye the entire time and i wailed later for you and for them and for those to come.selfishly taking into consideration and coming to grips with my own immortality.

it's unfortunate.it is and i pushed this out from somewhere in an effort to speak to cope to try and understand that which is not for me to understand.this is still the initial shock.

anyone and eventually everyone will be next. I hope though not as violently. I want to look in the obituaries and see the smiling faces of age and death by natural cause.

for my babies

Is there nothing sacred anymore?

I can't take it anymore

I wanted to help you the best way I could

I wanted to tell you what no one else would

Your light shines bright

it'll be aiight

let me hold you child

with a tender smile

I won't give up

on

you

I can see the hope

in

you

hello babies

climb atop my shoulders

stand tall

then on

your own

don't fall

it's coo

just get back up

strut your stuff

young gifted latino, asian, white, native, and black

all

of

that

grow up

show up

You are

and I am because of you

all the stars are you

all the dreams are you

all the truth is you

and innocent was you

Hold your head high

fly...

you are so

don't you know?

"Bravebird"

Fly

high

soar

break free from the herd

beautiful are you.i am because of you.the stars are you.the dreams are you.the truth is you.innocent are you.

bravebirds.say word.

Butterfly

I feel you all around me. I may become preoccupied with something or someone else briefly, but when I turn around you are there. We've had this ongoing thing for years now, and it's just gotten worse. I am trapped. You seem to always win.When I cry, you win. Last night you damn near smothered me in my sleep. I quickly hopped off the couch. In a daze. I don't know where I was just then, and I don't know where I am now. I lay across the mattress, my feet are dangling off the side. I feel you coming.I quickly pull my legs in. I am good for maybe an hour when you decide to let me sleep. Then I am awake and we're at it again. Sometime back I went to see someone. I had to tell someone. That didn't last very long. When you found out, it just made you stronger. Now I am afriad. I am hypnotized by you. They don't understand, and they think it will be easy to leave you. I have tried to leave you with little to no help from others, but everytime I do You find a way to pull me back in.

I am tired of you. As long as you are in my life no one will ever know me truly. I give you too much.I can hardly remember what my life was like without you. I want out. I am tired of fighting with you, lord knows I am. You cannot stay here anymore. I am going to tell someone about you, and they will help me make you leave.

I was a soaring butterfly.Until you clipped my wings.and I let you do it.