My mind runeth over. I am trying to understand what is to be made of my presence on this earth the way God sees fit. That is the only way.
I was born willful, I am emotional, I am cautious, I am intellectual and clairvoyant, and many other things; ignorant, deceitful, self-indulgent at times, selfish, whether or not I intend to be.
I just want to make sense of things. I have this urgency. I am inclined to systems and I need to understand the sequence of events. That has been one of the greatest parts of my journey, that is; those times where I can look back on my life and understand why. Or at least make sense of it.
And..here I am again. At 25. Tryna make the pieces fit together. And pass my tests. I have decisions to make, and --what do you know-- I'm also incredibly indecisive. I'll share what's on my mind and in turn maybe gain some more insight, or at least pray to have another moment of clarity one day when it all makes sense.
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I had suddenly developed a taste for wine. Before you know it I was keeping a bottle of Riesling on chill. I know there were many-a-nights to follow where I was cooking, drinkin wine and listening to a lot of old school music. Stuff my parents used to listen to, that I loved as a child, and in turn adopted for days like these where I wanted to affirm my adulthood. Plus there's a soul in this music that is devoid in today's R&B. It's the high notes, the talking to the audience in between verses, and just feelin' and knowing it was designed with grown folks in mind.
a glass of wine here and there turned into a glass of wine here and there.
A glass one night turned into a bottle, followed by many unnoticed drunken nights.
attached to the drinking, a very self-righteous I don't give a fuck attitude. Led to more bad and uncharacteristic decisions. He was one incident I'm still ignorantly and arrogantly trying to figure out and understand.And he was another. I was playing them off of each other, to have a reason to have at least one of em. how destuctive and manipnulative a triangle. With a couple floaters to sometimes soften the fall.
In between this other truths came to light..well brighter light. They were always there. Truths I could not handle nor understand. Which led me right back to self destuctive behaviors.
Then I read Sister Souljah's MIDNIGHT A Gangster Love Story; a prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever. Definitely another moment for me. Throughout the read I felt as if within this story was one of the teachers I was instuctued [in the midst of all of this by an intelligent older woman] to continue to bend my knees and pray for. If not a teacher, certainly still a lesson.
Now I'm re-evaluating. Where to go...what to do...how to change...how to be strategically and intentionally decisive and progressive. How to get back..or move forward.
There's still a great deal of thought as always swirling around in my mind, pieces are present, but the picture is not yet clear. Perhaps more pieces to come. Pieces that make some kind of sense. I'm sure they all do...right?
A picture; a story, a teacher; a lesson..a needle and thread to tighten the seams and make things sturdy again. More sturdy than before. And understanding , I pray for it and for a tomorrow. I know it's not promised and I'm thankful for every one.
