I love the rich colors of this experience called life. The experiences that make us who we are. The rich tapestry that is experiences that is us. When we stop and reflect on all the variables that make up just one person and to know that there's some 6 billion people all simultaneously....being, experiencing, growing, learnng, movin', shakin'. Pardon my bewilderment..but..psssh I wanna know that. Who is that? Where's s(he)from? What's his/her life been like?

Been connecting so meaningfully lately and it just feels so damn good. I am excited not only to do much more of this during this upcoming break, but to continue to engage with even more folks more intentionally just because. When I do take the time I experience a richer tapestry and it is through others that I am learning more about myself and I am able to experience myself and understand my human-ness and theirs more fully.

October 28, 2011

Well it is what it is. Am I as cursed as the fortune teller told me when she did that hand reading so long ago. Everybody says it, but nobody acts on it. What is that about? Everyone talks, isn't that why it's so cheap?

But back to the fortune teller as I look at the ridged lines known as "your love line" I wonder about what she said. That this path may always look this way because it is written in those lines.

Well fuck my life because I thought all this time it was me or them, but it turns out it's just the lines in my palm. They tell all there is to tell. Go to hell lady.

But that doesn't eliminate the issue. I was well on my way, being that I live at 110...miles per hour that is. I slowed down to 55 to talk to you. Are you getting in? I have to go. Everybody knows how hard I work, how beautiful and smart I am, how much I got it going on, how youthful I look, I gotta go. Gotsta keep up with what you think even though it's waaaaay more complex than that.

What is the deal? EVERY SINGLE TIME it's the same, eventually. I just assume not bother because I have too much to do as it is and I will never arrive in this life so I have much to keep me occupied. Who needs companionship when you can work hard, and have people tell you your worthy and in the same breath too worthy for them. What kind of shitty shit is this? Why should one even care. Well I don't. I am independent and completely self sufficient. Aren't you?

Move around with that bullshit. There's only room for one pussy here.

September 27, 2011

Today's been a long day, but I feel good about it. Working hard in solidarity with those who share my passion. It feels great. I'm not allowing myself to be bombarded or overwhelmed by the ills of the world. I am focused and using my power (my ability to make things happen) to the ump-teenth capacity in the way I can deliver it best: through this youth work and organizing. I'm in touch with the struggle, it's real and I'm in it. This is my tension. I know everytime I challenge a student to think critically about an issue, I'm agitating the system.

Sometimes it's not about working on every issue, knowing about every issue, advocating for every individual issue. Sometimes it's about fighting injustice and agitating right where you're at, with what you got; using your power and whatever your gift is as a conductor for that power to reach and teach others and yourself. Education happens everywhere and power is relational. Believe that. Achieve that.

Yeah mon.
Solidarity.

Ninja Billy "Footsteps"

Grrrrrrrr.

It's really ANNOYING the amount of passwords I have to remember. It's almost redundant. I have to keep creating more difficult passwords which clearly arent working because I keep having to make them more complicated! It's gone from "create a password with at leat 6 letters" to "create a password that includes 8 letters, at least 2 numbers, and a character, and at least one uppercase letter" WTF man.

Seriously....I used to be good at this but it's really really getting to be quite RIDICULOUS.

Biblioburro

I'm convinced that what goes in is what comes out. With that being said, I was watching what I would call high anxiety television. You know the shows that make you question the world as you know it in the most negative way. Well I turned the channel before I had a full on panic attack and found this gentleman Luis Soriano, a primary school teacher in Columbia who is also known as the one man Biblioburro. This was an episode of P.O.V. on PBS. Mr. Soriano is inspired to teach patrons of his community and country young and old alike how to read and the importance of literacy. How does he do this you ask? Well every weekend [for the last 10 years] Mr. Soriano gets up before the sun gathers his family to help pack 20 books on the backs of his two donkeys Alfa and Beto and sets off on a 6-8 hour journey to visit villages beyond the valleys where he reads to children, helps them learn to read, and shares his book collection by letting them sign out books. He also lets them sign out books for their family members.

I thought it was an interesting story so I continued to watch. The story is told only by him, no narrator and it's in Spanish. As I continued to watch I became inspired. Watching him travel through the heat and across river and not because he wants to be seen, and not because he's out to save the world, but it just seemed quite fundamental to him. He's a proud Colombian who knows the value of education and literacy and he wants to see his community get access to opportunity and thrive. Simple. It's the most meaningful thing I've seen on TV all weekend. There's no gimmick to this guy or his story, no Type B personalities here, or overbearing emotional and dramatic outbursts.

Anyhow his story is great. He's doing the right thing because it's right, and it's effective. It's hard work, but that to me is real life and what it's really all about. Cheers to you, Mr. Soriano!

"When things are done with love and dedication, they transcend time and space"- Luis Soriano

July 19, 2011

Some days are better than others. Today was good to me. I was good to myself. Hope days to come are good too. A good day is worth mentioning to me.

"Oooooohhhh wah-oooo"

I wanna be her.

Runeth Over

I was having a conversation with my mom about all of the things I have been experiencing as of late...things are complex, life is complex and instead of trying to FIGURE it all out because as I told her I am a worrier by nature, I'm tryna WORK it out all, by taking it in stide and riding the wave...hoping there's something greater to come....Things aren't always what they seem and though we often use the anology of "the cup as half empty or half full" I've come to the realization that perhaps my cup MUST runeth over in order for me to put it down and as my mom would say, "re-stable-ize". Because as long as there's a handle on that cup and I think I got a grip on it, half full OR half empty, the cup itself may be keeping me from picking up something greater or more useful, or learning a new lesson, receiving a new blessing. We don't control everything in life and free will can be a helluva choice, but we CAN choose how we would like to react and let the Lord judge us as thy may...I'm sure thou will be glad to know I TRIED, and with all my might.

I'm Glad My Fan Wasn't Clean Today...

With all of the hustle and bustle of the day. Work was exhausting. Moving furniture, making phone calls, answering to the students, delegating to the staff, meeting with clients, planning with the high schoolers to facilitate for the middle schoolers, taking notes, late voicemails, lengthy text messages, late text messages, making healthy food choices in between it all. Raining when I just got a doobie wrap. Muscles aching after doing an hour of weights after not being in the gym for 2 months.

Finally make it home, with tears in my eyes. I need to have quiet, rest, reflection, prayer, intention, focus, and a cool breeze. Out of nowhere it's frickkin 82 degrees today, and then it rains. It's moist and hot.

Usually cleaning my fan is utterly annoying. I have to take it apart and tediously clean each spec of collected dust from its rungs with a rag; and of course I don't clean it in the winter...

But today, today I was glad to come home to a dusty fan in a box. No TV. No music, no facebook and certainly no work overflow. I was happy to go to the basement grab the box still sealed from moving with my dusty (because I opted again not to clean it while packing) fan inside. I brought it upstairs. I took it apart on my kitchen floor and cleaned it throughly. When it was up to standard I put it back together lining up each latch perfectly and screwing each screw with patience and focus like I was building something I never seen nor built. I concentrated like you would to do measurements in a chem lab. I didn't allow myself to think of anything else. Just this one task. It felt great. When I finished putting it together I turned it on, let it blow in the other direction for a few moments and then turned it to me.

I plopped on my newly purchased blended leather couch closed my eyes and listened to the hum. It's a strong hum because it's one of those high velocity fans. I felt my body get cool and for a moment I drifted off. And all I knew was that. How relaxing. How pleasurable and simple the moment.

how grateful I am to have had it. How glad I am that my fan wasn't clean today.

I Just Had a 3 Hour Conversation with Me, Myself, and God Without Saying One Word.

PHHS Students puttin' in work on the art front. I like it. I like it a lot.

The students and some community artists teamed up to add this delectable art to our hallway. It's a mosaic. Quite creative and beautiful in my opinion. Good work.

On Another Note

I know I am blessed. I need to absorb it. Life's everchanging. Keep up. I am grateful. I do need to do something different though. Make sure I'm gettin' it right. I thought I was demanding; well so is my flesh. This sun is helping me so much though. Coming out of hibernation. Praise the lord. This winter seemed especially long. almost forgot what the sun was like. That ain't never good. Hello vitamin D & K. I missed you. Hello new house. Hello big ass yard. Hello soon established garden. Hello freshly planted flowers. Hello Papito & Rocky, my soon to be min-pins. Hello. Hello. Hello. I welcome you. :-) Joy.

Happy Friday!

This wall made my day today. It may look like a yellow wall, but really it's the mark of a great new begining. You see this beautiful, warm, yellow wall is the begining of a transformation that is well overdue and yet right on time. We are on our way to a new and improved space. We're growing. :-) :-) :-). Oh it's soooo exciting.I didn't know what to expect...from the color, from the space or from the process. The return however must be greater than, because I feel ahead of myself. It's hard to explain right now. Maybe in the near future I can catch up or be more present and articulate it a little better. 'Til then I am warm, hopeful, and in the process of changing for the better, and beaming, and making it look easy...like this wall.

:-)

Above The Rim

MY SHIT.

Bout to watch it.

RIGHT now.

That's all.

Have a good day.

Bow Bow #Shotsfired

Today I went to the range and I fired a weapon for the first time. I have been to the range before, but only to browse and I have watched others fire weapons from outside the shooting range, but this was different. This weekend was the gun show. There were retailers there with anything from a .22 to desert eagles to tommy guns, machine guns, and shit that looked like it would make Rambo piss himself.

I was a little anxious about the situation. "I don't like violence. I don't like guns." I was curious though and I thought learning to shoot would give me some confidence with all the power that assumably comes with it. I went with some friends of mine.

I realized how much of a novice I was as I browsed the room looking for a piece for myself. I found a table where a man was displaying several .38 special revolvers in assorted colors. Of of the individuals I was with suggested this would be a decent place to start.

I was thinking a .22 was a good place to start, but I trust this person so I went with it. We gave the vendor our licenses and he boxed our weapons.

We purchased some ammo, grabbed a target, protective eye-wear and ear-wear and went into the range where we would share a lane. As we prepared the weapon I was startled by all the level of calibers being fired around me. Shells were poppin everywhere. Some were like the sounds of what an exploding garbage can might sound like. I tried to ready myself and not make it obvious that I was jumping at every loud noise.

I quietly thought to myself, " wouldn't if be more weird if I were just all about this? SHOULDN'T I be cautious?" My turn came quick. I stepped up, but I couldn't do it. I watched the gun jump and spark as it was fired by my friend.

So I took my own advice and went a few lanes down to another friend where I would fire a .22, it was pretty easy to shoot. Then I got excited. I wasn't afraid anymore. I went back down to the other lane back to the .38 but I had a relapse and I couldn't do it. My friend said to me:

"This is an experience that may benefit you and some of the young people you work with because of your relationship with them and the work you do. Then you can explain your experience and share what you learned, how you felt, and you can better understand and share the impact and possible implications of dealing with guns"

I didn't accept the challenge because of that nor did I accept in someway to seem like I'd be more relatable to them because I fired a gun.(that would be rediculous) I did it because I wanted to and because I agreed that if I was going to do it I would do it for me AND for that. I fired the .38 It had some kick to it. After 2 rounds I was done. I was less anxious by the time we left but still maintained some caution and a little tremble which let me know I was still in tact and hadn't completely changed.

I have to say it was a good experience for me and I have no regrets. For now.

That's it for now...

It's good Sunday, I got clothes to fold.

Rest In Peace

Grandma Dona
November 21 1937-March 30 1998
♥WE LOVE YOU!!! MECCA MECCA! 10-4 & Out!!!♥
DEUS BA KU BO!
WATCH OVER US ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

March 30, 2011

I am finally all moved in. I am surrounded by boxes, yet I have created a comfortable space in my livingroom with warm lighting where I have spent the last few days and I'll spend the next 2 before the weekend in this same space. I am getting used to the sounds of my new home. The creaks, the furnace, the fridge; all against the deafening silence. I have been in an apartment for so long. I am used to loud voices, blaring music, sirens in the city, loud people walking by outside. But not here. It is quiet. I don't particularly mind it either. Takes some getting used to still.

I can't wait to paint, put up pictures, design my office space and make it my own. I can't wait for summer to lounge in my big yard and watch Papito; my soon to be minature doberman pinscher run free in all the space. The fact that I can even contemplate my own little garden makes me smile. AND I have an outdoor clothes line. How awesome is that?!? I LIKE it.

hmmmmm...well this daydream is about to be wrapped for the night. I must get back to work. I have plently of it to slow me down and distract me from staring at walls and decorating them with my mind.

I am grateful to god for this space. A space to rest, be warm, cook meals, nest, clean, customize: a home.

sweeeet!


home!

I wish I was connected to someone in such a way that they could see deep into me and understand what I feel, see, and know, and teach me new things that I don't. I wish I didnt feel like I'm on the outside. I am as human as human can be. Why do I have to be a certain way?

I am so frustrated right now, because I feel like I live in a city with so many people who I can't seem to make a pure connection with. What world is this. Stand up to the rediculous. Stand up to what you know at the core of you is wrong, no matter how small. Are you in touch with the core of you? What are the things you will not compromise? Can you separate them from what is flexible in you?

Growing up, I was the most unconfident person. I always believed there was something wrong with me. so insecure.

I have been begging god for something to hang onto, something to be sure of, something to stand on. It is certain values and principles on which I'm standing and won't flex. THAT is what I'm sure of. I can't apologize for being who I am, especially when I KNOW I'm not anywhere close to 100 feet away from being perfect.

who wants to take this journey with me? and who's setting the path? Who wants to set the path? Who WILL set the path?

I wish I could better articulate what I'm experiencing right now. I have been told that I'm very articulate and I know I can be good with words, but what I'm feeling seems like common sense to me. I can't--I won't leave this place right now, because I feel like I still have some great work to do.

But I wish, oh how I wish it could just be here for a little bit; what I need.
I need something to get me there and/or something to hold until I do.

I will pray on it. I will not go insane. Nor will I bend my backbone on what is at the core of me. I wish I could maintain this strength everyday.I don't always do what I should, and I know just because I can say that, I don't desereve nor get a pass.

I feel this energy burning up my back. I know it's real. I know there's more to it. why else would my soul be pushed like this.

I need to leave this city...lord please just help me make it until I can. Don't let my soul and my inner strength be snatched from me and if/when you should see me even THINKING about giving it away PLEASE SAVE ME. Please bring me back, to what I'm sure of: you, my values, and what my destiny is in this life.

Help me to do the things that are best and healthy. Help me to understand that failure is a natural part of life. Help me to answer my soul when it calls no matter how tired or selfish my flesh. Thank you for giving me something to stand on (my values, love, wisdom, courage) when I think I'm drowning, I just gotta calm down and stand up. I have to know that you would never put me in any water where I couldn't.

I'm not crazy or over zeallous. I am passioned.

I know perspective and experience allows for me to see things one way and perhaps she will see it another; but some things are unhealthy no matter how you look at them.

Eating feces will make you sick. Doing so would elicit a very physical, very obvious response/consequence; one that 99% of us would probably frown upon. I wish people would equate that to the cognitive experience. The unhealthy choices we make in the latter; the reaction or consequence may not be immediate; but our minds are branded as a particular choice or behavior is once exhibited can develop through repitition into an expectation and the expectation as we have learned to adjust and adapt to the expectation and through that repitition becomes the rule. It's the nature of the brain; as a physical body part, which mind you is where your mind dwells.

So why do we not nourish it in balance with recreation? Why do we not give it limits as we do with other parts or functions of our bodies? I am aware that what I speak of is a very small part of many brain functions and behavior, but it is a part we can consciously understand and can clearly manipulate.

You wouldn't break your knee caps with a hammer and expect to be able to run afterward unaffected. so why would you think that you could fill your eyes and mind with many things negative and expect to think clearly and unaffected afterward?

Silly rabbit.

This is a long ass blog, yes. It began with a cathartic release then slid down a line of linear logic and ended with what can be looked at as a personal philosophy.

But that's me. All over the place, but-Very clear. I'm good with that. One of two things can happen, I could find other like minded individuals (in which case I must leave this city) or I can expect other folks to think like me. I'm inclined to go with the former.

But I'll pray on it.