I wish I was connected to someone in such a way that they could see deep into me and understand what I feel, see, and know, and teach me new things that I don't. I wish I didnt feel like I'm on the outside. I am as human as human can be. Why do I have to be a certain way?

I am so frustrated right now, because I feel like I live in a city with so many people who I can't seem to make a pure connection with. What world is this. Stand up to the rediculous. Stand up to what you know at the core of you is wrong, no matter how small. Are you in touch with the core of you? What are the things you will not compromise? Can you separate them from what is flexible in you?

Growing up, I was the most unconfident person. I always believed there was something wrong with me. so insecure.

I have been begging god for something to hang onto, something to be sure of, something to stand on. It is certain values and principles on which I'm standing and won't flex. THAT is what I'm sure of. I can't apologize for being who I am, especially when I KNOW I'm not anywhere close to 100 feet away from being perfect.

who wants to take this journey with me? and who's setting the path? Who wants to set the path? Who WILL set the path?

I wish I could better articulate what I'm experiencing right now. I have been told that I'm very articulate and I know I can be good with words, but what I'm feeling seems like common sense to me. I can't--I won't leave this place right now, because I feel like I still have some great work to do.

But I wish, oh how I wish it could just be here for a little bit; what I need.
I need something to get me there and/or something to hold until I do.

I will pray on it. I will not go insane. Nor will I bend my backbone on what is at the core of me. I wish I could maintain this strength everyday.I don't always do what I should, and I know just because I can say that, I don't desereve nor get a pass.

I feel this energy burning up my back. I know it's real. I know there's more to it. why else would my soul be pushed like this.

I need to leave this city...lord please just help me make it until I can. Don't let my soul and my inner strength be snatched from me and if/when you should see me even THINKING about giving it away PLEASE SAVE ME. Please bring me back, to what I'm sure of: you, my values, and what my destiny is in this life.

Help me to do the things that are best and healthy. Help me to understand that failure is a natural part of life. Help me to answer my soul when it calls no matter how tired or selfish my flesh. Thank you for giving me something to stand on (my values, love, wisdom, courage) when I think I'm drowning, I just gotta calm down and stand up. I have to know that you would never put me in any water where I couldn't.

I'm not crazy or over zeallous. I am passioned.

I know perspective and experience allows for me to see things one way and perhaps she will see it another; but some things are unhealthy no matter how you look at them.

Eating feces will make you sick. Doing so would elicit a very physical, very obvious response/consequence; one that 99% of us would probably frown upon. I wish people would equate that to the cognitive experience. The unhealthy choices we make in the latter; the reaction or consequence may not be immediate; but our minds are branded as a particular choice or behavior is once exhibited can develop through repitition into an expectation and the expectation as we have learned to adjust and adapt to the expectation and through that repitition becomes the rule. It's the nature of the brain; as a physical body part, which mind you is where your mind dwells.

So why do we not nourish it in balance with recreation? Why do we not give it limits as we do with other parts or functions of our bodies? I am aware that what I speak of is a very small part of many brain functions and behavior, but it is a part we can consciously understand and can clearly manipulate.

You wouldn't break your knee caps with a hammer and expect to be able to run afterward unaffected. so why would you think that you could fill your eyes and mind with many things negative and expect to think clearly and unaffected afterward?

Silly rabbit.

This is a long ass blog, yes. It began with a cathartic release then slid down a line of linear logic and ended with what can be looked at as a personal philosophy.

But that's me. All over the place, but-Very clear. I'm good with that. One of two things can happen, I could find other like minded individuals (in which case I must leave this city) or I can expect other folks to think like me. I'm inclined to go with the former.

But I'll pray on it.