The Journey

So the Runes told me to be patient. They also told me change is coming. Go forth without understanding because sometimes there's nothing to understand but the work just needs to get done. Look for and read the signals.

I am in something like a still whirlwind at the moment. Some things in my life I know are so right. I am right where I need to be. Some things are in complete dis-array; at least that is what I feel and see. Yet I trust god won't let me down. I just wonder...sometimes -while everyone around me sees me as being so directed- where am I going? Or I feel like I know where I'm going but don't know if I will ever get there.

I don't do much just for the sake of doing it. So what are just elements or aspects to some people i.e. work, social life, relationships in my world are inconnected and tell a story. They are the sum of me ultimately so I take them seriously. I think about them...a lot. Life is an all encompassing EXPERIENCE. I'm living all up in it.

That being said I am very intuitive. I know when I'm really changing, I feel it emotionally and in my aura like a person feels physical growing pains. Sometimes I just don't see clearly why and where it will take me. Scares me a little. I fight back. I resist sometimes.

but I have changed. I use to try to dictate, control, worry about what was to come. Now I just wanna let go. and believe. and fall. knowing that I can only fall into a better me if I continue to strive for that. That god will take me there. (s)he sees me. (s)he knows me. better than I know myself. I'm still so willful though. If I give that up will I still be me? If I don't will I never get to where I want to be?

I know life is a journey and not a destination, I thought I was being a willing participant. I just keep being told to be patient. I am the late bloomer. I thought I was born patient. I have had to say no when my knees ached and my body wanted to say yes. I have tried to be logical when everyone else seemed to just be living.

I just want it to come together and all make sense before I'm to tired, or burned out, bitter, I can close that door and go back. I know I am not perfect and I have indulged but this is hard for me. I am really trying. It never seems to be enough. People look at me like I'm a strange occurence. What to do?

I do worry I just won't get there...I just dont know if my there and the there(s)he planned is really one in the same and I just can't/don't see it yet.

Whatever the case somethings gotta give. I certainly dont't know how much more I got to pull so I hope the stars and planets align in my favor.

Stuck in this fucking spades game with a handful of heart(s).

but then again if love conquers all...