I'm Glad My Fan Wasn't Clean Today...

With all of the hustle and bustle of the day. Work was exhausting. Moving furniture, making phone calls, answering to the students, delegating to the staff, meeting with clients, planning with the high schoolers to facilitate for the middle schoolers, taking notes, late voicemails, lengthy text messages, late text messages, making healthy food choices in between it all. Raining when I just got a doobie wrap. Muscles aching after doing an hour of weights after not being in the gym for 2 months.

Finally make it home, with tears in my eyes. I need to have quiet, rest, reflection, prayer, intention, focus, and a cool breeze. Out of nowhere it's frickkin 82 degrees today, and then it rains. It's moist and hot.

Usually cleaning my fan is utterly annoying. I have to take it apart and tediously clean each spec of collected dust from its rungs with a rag; and of course I don't clean it in the winter...

But today, today I was glad to come home to a dusty fan in a box. No TV. No music, no facebook and certainly no work overflow. I was happy to go to the basement grab the box still sealed from moving with my dusty (because I opted again not to clean it while packing) fan inside. I brought it upstairs. I took it apart on my kitchen floor and cleaned it throughly. When it was up to standard I put it back together lining up each latch perfectly and screwing each screw with patience and focus like I was building something I never seen nor built. I concentrated like you would to do measurements in a chem lab. I didn't allow myself to think of anything else. Just this one task. It felt great. When I finished putting it together I turned it on, let it blow in the other direction for a few moments and then turned it to me.

I plopped on my newly purchased blended leather couch closed my eyes and listened to the hum. It's a strong hum because it's one of those high velocity fans. I felt my body get cool and for a moment I drifted off. And all I knew was that. How relaxing. How pleasurable and simple the moment.

how grateful I am to have had it. How glad I am that my fan wasn't clean today.

I Just Had a 3 Hour Conversation with Me, Myself, and God Without Saying One Word.

PHHS Students puttin' in work on the art front. I like it. I like it a lot.

The students and some community artists teamed up to add this delectable art to our hallway. It's a mosaic. Quite creative and beautiful in my opinion. Good work.

On Another Note

I know I am blessed. I need to absorb it. Life's everchanging. Keep up. I am grateful. I do need to do something different though. Make sure I'm gettin' it right. I thought I was demanding; well so is my flesh. This sun is helping me so much though. Coming out of hibernation. Praise the lord. This winter seemed especially long. almost forgot what the sun was like. That ain't never good. Hello vitamin D & K. I missed you. Hello new house. Hello big ass yard. Hello soon established garden. Hello freshly planted flowers. Hello Papito & Rocky, my soon to be min-pins. Hello. Hello. Hello. I welcome you. :-) Joy.

Happy Friday!

This wall made my day today. It may look like a yellow wall, but really it's the mark of a great new begining. You see this beautiful, warm, yellow wall is the begining of a transformation that is well overdue and yet right on time. We are on our way to a new and improved space. We're growing. :-) :-) :-). Oh it's soooo exciting.I didn't know what to expect...from the color, from the space or from the process. The return however must be greater than, because I feel ahead of myself. It's hard to explain right now. Maybe in the near future I can catch up or be more present and articulate it a little better. 'Til then I am warm, hopeful, and in the process of changing for the better, and beaming, and making it look easy...like this wall.

:-)

Above The Rim

MY SHIT.

Bout to watch it.

RIGHT now.

That's all.

Have a good day.

Bow Bow #Shotsfired

Today I went to the range and I fired a weapon for the first time. I have been to the range before, but only to browse and I have watched others fire weapons from outside the shooting range, but this was different. This weekend was the gun show. There were retailers there with anything from a .22 to desert eagles to tommy guns, machine guns, and shit that looked like it would make Rambo piss himself.

I was a little anxious about the situation. "I don't like violence. I don't like guns." I was curious though and I thought learning to shoot would give me some confidence with all the power that assumably comes with it. I went with some friends of mine.

I realized how much of a novice I was as I browsed the room looking for a piece for myself. I found a table where a man was displaying several .38 special revolvers in assorted colors. Of of the individuals I was with suggested this would be a decent place to start.

I was thinking a .22 was a good place to start, but I trust this person so I went with it. We gave the vendor our licenses and he boxed our weapons.

We purchased some ammo, grabbed a target, protective eye-wear and ear-wear and went into the range where we would share a lane. As we prepared the weapon I was startled by all the level of calibers being fired around me. Shells were poppin everywhere. Some were like the sounds of what an exploding garbage can might sound like. I tried to ready myself and not make it obvious that I was jumping at every loud noise.

I quietly thought to myself, " wouldn't if be more weird if I were just all about this? SHOULDN'T I be cautious?" My turn came quick. I stepped up, but I couldn't do it. I watched the gun jump and spark as it was fired by my friend.

So I took my own advice and went a few lanes down to another friend where I would fire a .22, it was pretty easy to shoot. Then I got excited. I wasn't afraid anymore. I went back down to the other lane back to the .38 but I had a relapse and I couldn't do it. My friend said to me:

"This is an experience that may benefit you and some of the young people you work with because of your relationship with them and the work you do. Then you can explain your experience and share what you learned, how you felt, and you can better understand and share the impact and possible implications of dealing with guns"

I didn't accept the challenge because of that nor did I accept in someway to seem like I'd be more relatable to them because I fired a gun.(that would be rediculous) I did it because I wanted to and because I agreed that if I was going to do it I would do it for me AND for that. I fired the .38 It had some kick to it. After 2 rounds I was done. I was less anxious by the time we left but still maintained some caution and a little tremble which let me know I was still in tact and hadn't completely changed.

I have to say it was a good experience for me and I have no regrets. For now.

That's it for now...

It's good Sunday, I got clothes to fold.

Rest In Peace

Grandma Dona
November 21 1937-March 30 1998
♥WE LOVE YOU!!! MECCA MECCA! 10-4 & Out!!!♥
DEUS BA KU BO!
WATCH OVER US ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

March 30, 2011

I am finally all moved in. I am surrounded by boxes, yet I have created a comfortable space in my livingroom with warm lighting where I have spent the last few days and I'll spend the next 2 before the weekend in this same space. I am getting used to the sounds of my new home. The creaks, the furnace, the fridge; all against the deafening silence. I have been in an apartment for so long. I am used to loud voices, blaring music, sirens in the city, loud people walking by outside. But not here. It is quiet. I don't particularly mind it either. Takes some getting used to still.

I can't wait to paint, put up pictures, design my office space and make it my own. I can't wait for summer to lounge in my big yard and watch Papito; my soon to be minature doberman pinscher run free in all the space. The fact that I can even contemplate my own little garden makes me smile. AND I have an outdoor clothes line. How awesome is that?!? I LIKE it.

hmmmmm...well this daydream is about to be wrapped for the night. I must get back to work. I have plently of it to slow me down and distract me from staring at walls and decorating them with my mind.

I am grateful to god for this space. A space to rest, be warm, cook meals, nest, clean, customize: a home.

sweeeet!


home!

I wish I was connected to someone in such a way that they could see deep into me and understand what I feel, see, and know, and teach me new things that I don't. I wish I didnt feel like I'm on the outside. I am as human as human can be. Why do I have to be a certain way?

I am so frustrated right now, because I feel like I live in a city with so many people who I can't seem to make a pure connection with. What world is this. Stand up to the rediculous. Stand up to what you know at the core of you is wrong, no matter how small. Are you in touch with the core of you? What are the things you will not compromise? Can you separate them from what is flexible in you?

Growing up, I was the most unconfident person. I always believed there was something wrong with me. so insecure.

I have been begging god for something to hang onto, something to be sure of, something to stand on. It is certain values and principles on which I'm standing and won't flex. THAT is what I'm sure of. I can't apologize for being who I am, especially when I KNOW I'm not anywhere close to 100 feet away from being perfect.

who wants to take this journey with me? and who's setting the path? Who wants to set the path? Who WILL set the path?

I wish I could better articulate what I'm experiencing right now. I have been told that I'm very articulate and I know I can be good with words, but what I'm feeling seems like common sense to me. I can't--I won't leave this place right now, because I feel like I still have some great work to do.

But I wish, oh how I wish it could just be here for a little bit; what I need.
I need something to get me there and/or something to hold until I do.

I will pray on it. I will not go insane. Nor will I bend my backbone on what is at the core of me. I wish I could maintain this strength everyday.I don't always do what I should, and I know just because I can say that, I don't desereve nor get a pass.

I feel this energy burning up my back. I know it's real. I know there's more to it. why else would my soul be pushed like this.

I need to leave this city...lord please just help me make it until I can. Don't let my soul and my inner strength be snatched from me and if/when you should see me even THINKING about giving it away PLEASE SAVE ME. Please bring me back, to what I'm sure of: you, my values, and what my destiny is in this life.

Help me to do the things that are best and healthy. Help me to understand that failure is a natural part of life. Help me to answer my soul when it calls no matter how tired or selfish my flesh. Thank you for giving me something to stand on (my values, love, wisdom, courage) when I think I'm drowning, I just gotta calm down and stand up. I have to know that you would never put me in any water where I couldn't.

I'm not crazy or over zeallous. I am passioned.

I know perspective and experience allows for me to see things one way and perhaps she will see it another; but some things are unhealthy no matter how you look at them.

Eating feces will make you sick. Doing so would elicit a very physical, very obvious response/consequence; one that 99% of us would probably frown upon. I wish people would equate that to the cognitive experience. The unhealthy choices we make in the latter; the reaction or consequence may not be immediate; but our minds are branded as a particular choice or behavior is once exhibited can develop through repitition into an expectation and the expectation as we have learned to adjust and adapt to the expectation and through that repitition becomes the rule. It's the nature of the brain; as a physical body part, which mind you is where your mind dwells.

So why do we not nourish it in balance with recreation? Why do we not give it limits as we do with other parts or functions of our bodies? I am aware that what I speak of is a very small part of many brain functions and behavior, but it is a part we can consciously understand and can clearly manipulate.

You wouldn't break your knee caps with a hammer and expect to be able to run afterward unaffected. so why would you think that you could fill your eyes and mind with many things negative and expect to think clearly and unaffected afterward?

Silly rabbit.

This is a long ass blog, yes. It began with a cathartic release then slid down a line of linear logic and ended with what can be looked at as a personal philosophy.

But that's me. All over the place, but-Very clear. I'm good with that. One of two things can happen, I could find other like minded individuals (in which case I must leave this city) or I can expect other folks to think like me. I'm inclined to go with the former.

But I'll pray on it.

Could it be I'm falling in love...

...witcha baabyyyy

bikes, books, and T.V.s

December 17 2010

Good Morning! Today will be a great day! Let's make it happen folks! This week has been bittersweet, but my goods outweigh my bads if I'm thinking clearly. So I feels like celebratin'! =) You could do the same, because if you think about it something in your life is probably greater than you ever expected it to be....for today, let it overshadow something that wasn't. HAPPY FRIDAY :)

Where art thou? I need you...Shell's Pod :'(

If I could describe this week in one word I would call it bittersweet...I lost my I-Pod yesterday and I'm stinging inside for numerous reasons, but I think I'm being quite mature about it and dealing with it rather well...for now. I feel like I have a lot to be happy about with the work I have been doing, the way things are going at my job (the lessons I'm learning, the constant growing process, knowing I still have room to learn new stuff so I don't get bored or too content)so much so that I can't complain too much.

I know though that in the days to come I will wish to hear a particular song or playlist, and when I realize that I can't and WHY, the wound will be pried open and I may shed a tear or two...

I cannot even go there right now :(

Anyhow...this moment is important, I'm posturing right now. There's a bittersweet pain in my heart. semi-present- semi-in denial. My music, oh how I miss thee...

What World is This?

I really shouldn't sleep during the day. It makes me groggy and gives me strange dreams and nightmares while I am wide awake. Then I am up at 12:30am thinking more than anyone should at this time of night. I am watching the idiot box. It really is man's greatest and worst invention. All kinds of things come on. The later it gets the more extreme and weird the programing. That on top of fluctuating temperament and my intense thought process also known as worrying; makes me once again dread the fact that I slept in the daytime. I usually never do, but these past two days I have just been exhausted. The title of this blog represents the disorientation I sometimes feel when I fuck with my normal sleep pattern like this. 20 minute cat naps are said to be okay, and that's usually the intention. Then I wake up an hour to an hour and a half later. huh. *YAWN*

Lots of exposure to the sun today. I know that makes you tired. I have a long day tomorrow as well. I must get some rest. My brain hurts. BLAH! =( maybe tomorrow will be better. Let's hope for the best! =)

alright...

Burstin' at the Seams.

My mind runeth over. I am trying to understand what is to be made of my presence on this earth the way God sees fit. That is the only way.
I was born willful, I am emotional, I am cautious, I am intellectual and clairvoyant, and many other things; ignorant, deceitful, self-indulgent at times, selfish, whether or not I intend to be.

I just want to make sense of things. I have this urgency. I am inclined to systems and I need to understand the sequence of events. That has been one of the greatest parts of my journey, that is; those times where I can look back on my life and understand why. Or at least make sense of it.

And..here I am again. At 25. Tryna make the pieces fit together. And pass my tests. I have decisions to make, and --what do you know-- I'm also incredibly indecisive. I'll share what's on my mind and in turn maybe gain some more insight, or at least pray to have another moment of clarity one day when it all makes sense.

**************************************************************************

I had suddenly developed a taste for wine. Before you know it I was keeping a bottle of Riesling on chill. I know there were many-a-nights to follow where I was cooking, drinkin wine and listening to a lot of old school music. Stuff my parents used to listen to, that I loved as a child, and in turn adopted for days like these where I wanted to affirm my adulthood. Plus there's a soul in this music that is devoid in today's R&B. It's the high notes, the talking to the audience in between verses, and just feelin' and knowing it was designed with grown folks in mind.

a glass of wine here and there turned into a glass of wine here and there.
A glass one night turned into a bottle, followed by many unnoticed drunken nights.

attached to the drinking, a very self-righteous I don't give a fuck attitude. Led to more bad and uncharacteristic decisions. He was one incident I'm still ignorantly and arrogantly trying to figure out and understand.And he was another. I was playing them off of each other, to have a reason to have at least one of em. how destuctive and manipnulative a triangle. With a couple floaters to sometimes soften the fall.

In between this other truths came to light..well brighter light. They were always there. Truths I could not handle nor understand. Which led me right back to self destuctive behaviors.

Then I read Sister Souljah's MIDNIGHT A Gangster Love Story; a prequel to The Coldest Winter Ever. Definitely another moment for me. Throughout the read I felt as if within this story was one of the teachers I was instuctued [in the midst of all of this by an intelligent older woman] to continue to bend my knees and pray for. If not a teacher, certainly still a lesson.

Now I'm re-evaluating. Where to go...what to do...how to change...how to be strategically and intentionally decisive and progressive. How to get back..or move forward.

There's still a great deal of thought as always swirling around in my mind, pieces are present, but the picture is not yet clear. Perhaps more pieces to come. Pieces that make some kind of sense. I'm sure they all do...right?

A picture; a story, a teacher; a lesson..a needle and thread to tighten the seams and make things sturdy again. More sturdy than before. And understanding , I pray for it and for a tomorrow. I know it's not promised and I'm thankful for every one.

Conversation Circles

SCENARIO #1: I am awake. It's 12:45am. I am thinking about many things. I am watching a special on CNN called Black in America. It's making me a little disgruntled. I really don't expect the media to be objective so I am not surprised that once again they have romanticized "The Black Experience". Always pointing out the so called symptoms of the experience: welfare, single parent households, gang violence, HIV/AIDS, academic achievement gaps, incarceration, poverty etc.. but not once addressing the ecological conditions and institutionalized racism that perpetuates some of these ongoing problems.Let's be real these folks are hand selected, unbalanced usually leaning towards middle class values in an effort to get those who have yet to cross over to conform and adjust to a 'new america' where we can all realize the american dream. Very romantic.

SCENARIO# 2: I coordinate afterschool programs at an inner-city high school. two weeks ago I decided to start a step team for the young ladies that I work with. I set out to build this program because 1) the ladies requested that we add such a program 2)doing so would be a great opportunity for them to learn or improve leadership skills and foster positive relationships with their peers 4)female empowerment 4)physical activity. I thought well this should be great! For the first two meetings those who said they wanted to be involved showed up and for the most part things went as planned. The girls started working on a routine and they seemed to mesh well together. Great! Then today 3/4 of them didn't show up. There was conflict the night before at a basketball game that included a few of the members of the team. So two of thos involved didn't show up and because they didn't show up those who hang with them didn't show up. One of the girls 'involved' in the conflict took the time to explain to me what was going on. the end result: some common themes among young black women and their interaction and communication that are not new but recently have become quite salient:

1) gossip
2) confrontation
3) competitiveness
4) preoccupation with men
5) lack of self awareness

I was disappointed and disgruntled that the girls didn't show up and I told the ones that did, next week were going to have group and talk about some of these issues and essentially, how they are getting in the way of our progression. I told them I'm not going to give up on the program.

SCENARIO #3: Over the last few weeks in my Family Counseling class we have been focusing on several differnt therapeutic theories and techniques. This week we talked about Structural Therapy. I really like Structural Family Therapy because it looks at the overall organization of the family system in order to try and figure out how various forms of family interaction are maintained. the objective is to adjust boundaries and realign subsystems within the family structure. Part of this process involves the therapist observing a family's interactions. The way members of the family interact informs the therapist of patterns of behavior between members of the family. The therapist will be able to see where boundaries may be too rigid or to diffused and where various subsystems which can include generation, gender, or function are out of wack. When the therapist is able to adjust boundaires and realign subsystems she changes the behavior and experience of each family member thereby offering alternative patterns of interaction that can in turn modify the family structure. It sounds complicated, but it's quite simple, one can better understand the system as a whole and why it functions the way it does by first understanding the patterns of interaction within the system that perpetuate or maintain it. Fabulous!

What do all these scenarios have to do with each other you ask?
Everything.

They all have me thinking about perception. All the angles from which we see things and then how we approach different scenarios accordingly. What is or isn't being talked about that allows us to deal with issues the way we do? or don't?

I have also moreso as of late, been struggling with some very personal issues (or so I'd like to think) and wanting to reach out for help, but--not knowing where or who to reach out to.

The question of appropriate responses to me would be best addressed collectively as a community. We have the opportunity to learn from each other's experiences and provide support for each other as needed. In doing so we can frame how we wish to deal with these issues and better prepare our children to be able to deal with them as well. Part of this process is going to involve pulling people and being pulled from isolation; to quote someone's comment I read on a different blog earlier, "to make one's experience more human and less special". I know some of the things I am struggling with are echoed. Perhaps someone else is also dealing with them in isolation as I have been. We need to open up some clear ways of communication. CNN can butt-out and we can butt-in.

I haven't been able, (or completely willing in my personal matters as of late) to bounce my questions and thoughts off of others in engaging, free, comfortable, and safe places/spaces. Perhaps I'm blind to those that may already exist, but from where I'm standing there aren't many that meet all that criteria. So I would like to create some...or for that matter if someone knows something I don't....

Here are some Conversation Circles I would like to invite folks in my community to start/join:

1) Women's support group that empahsizes physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and awareness, addresses issues of relationships, parenting, work, healthy eating, self love, and issues of competition between women

2)Support group for family members of people who are incarcerated. How are we dealing with this in our community? Damn near everybody experiences it, yet there's no conversation or technique shared for how to deal with this experience, and it IS one to deal with.

3) Womens mentorship initiative. this circle would include adult women who would mentor young women. This group could include activities like cooking, academic mentorship,counseling,group activities and outings...

4) A co-ed group would be nice also, but I think there are some issues to be addressed separately before this is gon work...just a thought..

I am more than willing to use my home as a free space if others wish to be involved...It really don't even have to be that specific...hell we can just start with GROUP. =) Where we just discuss what's going on with us as women and families.

I know it ain't just me. Don't you DARE leave me hangin', we need some intervention ladies across generations...and in general men and women in the community do not communitcate enough in a meaningful and posititve manner.

I know this is a pretty long blog. It simply is a mixture of things floating in my mind. It gets crowded up there.

So if you have read through it thanks for taking the time.

I am so SERIOUS about GROUP =) tho. If you are interested, have thoughts, know of some already existing initiative, or wish to join me in that journey please, leave comments!!

It is now 3am. I'm going to lay me head down to rest now that I got that out. =)

ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ....nite.

Ninja Billy on Faith and Perseverance

Ninja Billy on 'The Calling'

Great Expectations?

I just had a conversation with my dad about the type of discouraging approaches I get from men. I told him that it is sooooooo frustrating when a man approaches me and even if I tell him I'm taken he still insists on tryna 'get in'. Not only that he insists that he could be a better man to me than the person I'm with and I should "just have dinner" or "go to a movie" sometime with him. "You know what I'm saying, I'm just tryna get to know you", "Oh I can't be your friend?" I have told fools I'm married and they STILL be tryna get in. I mean come on now?!? Who do you mofos think you are?

My dad told me that part of it is the community in which I live, that the values--or lack thereof are much too consistent with music videos and what folks see on T.V. I told him there aren't enough elders in the community to provide some guidence and common sense to not only these young men but to the young women as well, because this stuff obviously works, otherwise why continue to use it?

I know what game is and I know what LAME is. I am not stuck up at all. In fact I speak to everyone who speaks to me. If a dude tries to holla and I'm not interested I say no thanks and have a good day. Apparently they must think I'm being shy because they seem to only try harder after that.

I understand that everyone has impulses but you can't act on 'em all the time. fools is on survival mode for real. It's either that or just a lack of expectation.

One of the most frustrating things for me when it comes to men is their lack of expectation for us women. If we expect for our men to be hard workers, providers, and independent and we take nothing less we are stuck up, self-righteous, demanding ect... but when you think about it from our end where is the expectation for us as women? How many of us have been told over and over again, "men are intimidated by you..." I think that's hogwash. I'm tired of being looked at like that. I need for you to want more from me. Just because I got a job and I'm independent doesn't make me flawless or unapproachable. I mean a man finds out that I cook and all of a sudden he's stuck to me like glue. He doesn't even care what I cook. Or "she got a job and her own place and her house is clean--I wanna marry her." I mean is that all it takes these days? I mean HELLO. We women are so much more than that. If you expected me to be intelligent, if you expected me to know how to cook, if you expected for me to be clean and keep a clean house, if you expected me to keep a job then perhaps you would know how to challenge me appropriately far beyond that and hold me accountable when I'm not doing so well in these areas. I mean is that not a sign, if not the greatest sign of love for another; to challenge them to be all they wish to be and more?

You gotta understand where I'm coming from. I need someone who's gonna keep my feet on the ground. That means challenging me. If you like that I cook and clean and you like the conversation that's great, but I don't want that to be all you expect of me. I want you to challenge me to keep it up. I want you to push me. I am going to challenge you and I need that reciprocity.